My word! Your small child can spell asphyxiation perfectly!

I have rubbish hand writing. I remember in secondary school I politely got asked if I could give up on joined up handwriting on account it looked like a spider had pulled a pen across the page. I don’t know what it is, but it has never improved. It’s strange, as I am ambidextrous and can produce the same scrawly crap with either my left or right hands; both are equally rubbish.

Perhaps practice would have made perfect, but I found and used computers from an early age. I write millions of words every year, but almost all are done on a handy computer keyboard. I am actually a very fast typist – far faster than I can produce the same words by hand. It’s also a damnsight more legible too, even if occasionally I treat punctuation like a game of ‘pin the tail on the donkey’.

I often describe my handwriting as that of a four year old child. It’s probably quite strange to read if you do not realise it is from me, because it would appear to be a four year old child who has a good grasp of long and complex words and isn’t afraid to use them. I also know how a semi-colon and an apostrophe work too.

Of course, my scrawl is probably why I have been asked not to write the place cards for our upcoming civil partnership. We want an adult theme, so that doesn’t extend to four-year-old’s handwriting to tell people where they need to sit for the meal.