Yesterday produced the most bizarre experience whilst I was finishing off my Christmas shopping. I was in Marks & Spencer looking for a nightie for my Mother. Browsing away minding my own business, I suddenly found myself being pushed past by a high-speed scrote. The scrote was closely followed by two ‘Community support’ officers. For simplicity, we’ll describe these people as Police, even though technically they are not. They look and act like them.

I thought “how odd” then returned to my browsing. I had just found the perfect present and was about to go to the till to pay when the scrote went past again at high speed followed by the two Police. It left me thinking that had I known the chase would be this long, I could have saved the two Police the run with a careful placing of a foot as the scrote passed the first time. Oh well. They apprehended the fiend in lingerie. That is, in the lingerie department rather than wearing it. Though you never know what was under that Duffel coat.

Incidentally, Marks & Spencer are really trying this year in their lingerie section. There are basques and suspender belts galore, and at a reasonable price too. I was going to buy one, but browsing seemed too difficult when having to straddle a scrote pinned to the floor as two Police officers handcuffed them. I decided that I’d go back after Christmas when the sales are on as they seemed to have plenty of stock. They are in the ‘Ceriso’ range, by the way.